8 things games don’t understand about men that aren’t tall, fit, clean shaven and handsome

The world of gaming is dominated by heroes who are strong, tall, muscular, toned men. They are usually handsome and clean shaven, although designer stubble is allowed, rarely is your hero a short, wide, bearded gentleman of a more homely persuasion.

So what roles do we, the average man, get to play in video games: The killers, the enemies, the idiots, the side characters or the comic relief. It’s about time we set this straight.

1. We’re not all overcompensating

So, Borderlands 2 finally gets a short, hairy, stock character and he’s a gunzerker? So what are you trying to tell us, games? Are you suggesting that all short men are angry? That all stocky men with facial hair are mindless killers? Oh, and what a surprise, he’s the character who likes to carry around big heavy guns, two at a time. Are you telling me we are all overcompensating for something?

2. We don’t all drown children

****SPOILERS***

Heavy Rain, features an overweight character. He’s not the most handsome man in the world but he seems nice enough. Scott Shelby, it turns out, is the Origami Killer. The antagonist of the whole story, happens to be an overweight man? What happened? Did someone jump infront of him at the queue for KFC? Years of being rejected by attractive women drove him to drown small boys? Well…no. His motivations are pretty well explained in the game itself BUT come on, did I have to be the fatty? What about the handsome family man, or the slick looking FBI agent? God forbid the morally nebulous female character be the killer. Oh no. Fatty McDrownkids…Prime Suspect.

3. We aren’t all mad bombers who skate round slipping over on bird shit

So, Fatman from Metal Gear Solid 2…I don’t even know where to begin…

4. We aren’t all employed as manual labourers who are cruel to animals

Mario? Mario? Don’t even get me started on that little shit. Jumping on turtles, gathering up all the loose change he can find, wearing his work clothes wherever he goes? So we of the belly and face fuzz don’t know how to dress? Or is it because he’s just a plumber that he doesn’t have the spare cash to go out and buy some new threads? What you tryna say Nintendo? All the fatties are money grabbing blue collar workers? The fact that he has killer side burns and a sweet fanny tickling mustache isn’t enough to make him a great guy? You have to make him a selfish, avaricious, animal torturer.

5. We’re not soul stealing ancient magicians

Ok, Tsang Tsung is quite lithe but he is definitely not a pretty boy, he has a sweet beard and stache combo and uses flowing clothes to hide his body insecurities. In short, he’s my kinda guy. So what is he? A heroic warrior destined to protect those around him? Or is he, in fact, a complete twat who actually absorbs people’s souls in his bid to stay alive for even longer and continue to kill of the beautiful heroic people…

Let’s review the characters from the original Mortal Kombat

Johnny Cage, buff and clean shaven – hero
Lui Kang, buff and clean shaven – hero
Raiden, tall, clean shaven and blue eyed – An actual god
Kano, bearded – evil
Tsang Tsung – evil

Now, I get the argument that women get a “token” female character in the form of Sonya but let’s face it, of the above group, the ones who mostly closely represent me are the evil monstrous ones.

6. We’re not trying to take over the world

One of my favourite series of all times is the Legend of Zelda. Let’s look at the triangle of characters in that particular story. Think of the protagonist, tall, fit, blond, handsome and blue eyed. Zelda is a strong character showing intellectual and physical prowess in a number of different areas, combining magical skills, ninja like powers along with an excellent understanding of monarchistic politics. Ganondorf, the sickest, village destroying, no respect for anything, hell bent on ruling the world and general piece of shit, is in possession of some of the finest facial hair every to grace video games. And he’s ginger. Take that representation and make something positive out of it…

And he always loses. Not only is Ganondorf a complete monster but he never ever ever ever wins. So he’s an incompetent bastard as well. Maybe if he dyed his hair and shaved the face furniture then he could be the hero of time. You just never know.

7. We’re not evil pirates who transcend the mortal realm to continue our reign of terror

Guybrush Threepwood is blond and slender. He occasionally has stubble (Monkey Island 2) or a small neat beard (Tales of Monkey Island) but is generally, particularly for a mighty pirate, surprisingly clean cut. Of course he gets the girl, saves the day and uses a rubber chicken with a pulley in the middle without trouble. What about Le Chuck? The most evil pirate that point and click games have ever seen. Big. Effing. Beard.

8. We’re not emotionally crippled buffoons with anger management issues

Another one of my favourite gaming series, Dead Or Alive. A lot has been said about its representation of women but let’s look at the way non-traditionally handsome, bearded and generally chunky men are dealt with. Sure you’ve got your Hayabusa, Jahn Lee and Hayate/Ein, generally very fit, clean shaven men and (excepting some clan related niggles) all heroic figures. So what about the flip side, what about the man that I associate with? Bass. Bass is a glorious figure of a man, big beard, big body, clearly not a stranger to a pint and pie. And he’s a fecking tool. He is repeatedly shown as incompetent, easily fooled and stupid. During the ending of Dead Or Alive 3 his beloved motorbike breaks down. Does he ring the AA, move to a safe, off road location and amuse himself in the meantime, happy to be deprioritised behind any women who might have had a breakdown, with some ever enjoyable sudoku? No, he picks up his slightly broken down bike and suplexes it, breaking it even more. What a bellened.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=584556371 Joel Connelly

    You left out Dr Robotnik…

    • http://twitter.com/almostgames almostgames

      Good call! I should probably have a whole section on men with mustaches. Oooh, Movember special!

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=584556371 Joel Connelly

        Great Idea! Mustachioed Villains for Movember, though, Dr Robotnik had no chance, he was Fat, Bald, Wore Glasses AND had a Mustache, pretty much every ingredient from every other villain was put into Dr Robotnik! XD